Here are a few such experiences which have left me speechless, a situation which is clearly out of the ordinary for me!
Case #1: A couple in their late thirties came in with two pre-teens, one boy and one girl. The boy was about 12 years of age and the girl 11, both looked darkly beautiful, a lot like the mother. I usually do an intake session with a student/resident psychologist as an opportunity to give them an in-situ experience. They usually sit on my left and behind me, while the parents and children sit opposite.
When the family comes in, I let "nature take its course" and allow the family to choose who sits where. The mom sat down first with her shoulder to the wall, the girl and boy sat between her and the dad, who sat down last, sat in a chair he had "reserved" for himself - on entering the room he had placed his briefcase on it.
I looked at them and settled on the kids. After a bit of small talk I asked them why their parents had brought them to see me. I had already spent time with them, tested their ability to express themselves in language and overall gross motor skills; stability in the chair; fluidity of motor movement and general signs of a developmental delay; they all seemed within normal limits.
They stared at one another and then at their parents. The father looked at me, sharply with his piercing blue eyes and said: "We have a secret in our family, we can't tell you what it is."
"Okay," I say, "you children can leave. You have accomplished what your parents have set out for you to do."
They looked from one to another, their mom shook her head in approval and they walked out together. All this time the father is staring at me as if communicating silently if not somewhat flirtatiously.
What is this all about?
"Well," he says, "the secret is that I am a ger, a convert and my wife isn't, she is Jewish through and through."
"Well now that you got that out of the way, what is really the secret, because surely you did not come all this way to my office to tell me this shatteringly common occurrence?"
I wasn't sure what made him flinch more, that the information wasn't shatteringly interesting; that it was common or that I didn't fall of my chair in oos and aahs. "But, but, but that is the secret," he seemed surprised by his being so not in charge of the conversation.
"No, I don't think so. If that was so much the issue you might have sent a picture postcard."
He looked at my student who by know was close to fainting, as this is not the way I usually deal with patients.
At this point the mom whispers, "May I speak?"
I sit looking at her quietly.
"This past Shabbat my sister came to stay with us. At some point during the day, she came running to me in a panic. She had just seen the two children behaving in a frighteningly untzniusdik way. They were both naked and both lying down on a bed together."
"Mmmm," was my sage comment.
At this point I was sure I did hear the chair which held my student, creak and teeter and almost fall, but now we were finally getting down to the real business at hand. And as far as I was concerned the "real business at hand" was what behavior in the household created an atmosphere that allowed a major cultural taboo to be violated.
Ovadia the Prophet was a ger.
Call me crazy but we are proud of our converts and don't consider them something to hide.
Case #2: I receive any number of phone calls regarding young adults in a yeshiva in Israel for the year. Calls come from the yeshiva or from the parents themselves. This "case" is an amalgam of the cases I see in the course of a year.
For the purpose of clarity let's call the parents Mr. and Mrs. Gudday. A series of questions is posed to me via e-mail and on the phone: "Are you religious? Do you cover your hair? What does your husband wear onShabbat?" None of these questions relate to my professional credentials, but for some reason, many consider the answers even more important.
OK, I pass the tests (though my answer to what my husband wears on Shabbat continues to be "clothes," which leaves some un-amused).
The parents are told my fee, both by phone and via e-mail - it is about a third of what the same neuropsychological evaluation would cost in the States. I tell them that once I take the case, as their child is no longer a minor, he or she will have to sign a release giving me permission to relay the results to them, the parents, the people who have agreed to pay my fee for services. "No problem, we understand completely and agree." I complete the evaluation and sit with my client, their over eighteen-year-old child, who decides not to give consent. S/he will relate the results to them when s/he returns home.
The Gudday's call, incensed. How dare I not relay the details to them? Please see the emails that went back and forth regarding this issue; you agreed that your child would decide. Mr. Gudday sends me half the fee by mail - sort of a "that was then, this is now" statement. I advise them to speak with their child, whose main issue has to do with trust - trust, trusting, being trustworthy, keeping to accepted boundaries of behavior both vis a vis cultural and religious norms. S/he has pushed the envelope beyond approved personal and yeshiva etiquette which is a sign of social inappropriateness at best and, more sadly and most difficult to remediate, a personality disorder. The yeshiva has felt this strongly and this lies at the base of the referral.
"Okay," says Mr. Gudday. "Can you meet with us and our child, you are on your way to the States anyway." Here I must admit that I erred. Being in this business for over thirty years, I should trust my instincts and rules I pass down to my students - when you cross your own boundaries it is a sign of pathology and not a good deed. No one will benefit in the end.
And so it happened. Unfortunately I took ill, had to cancel the appointment with Mr. and Mrs. Gudday and their child - however, I had already done my neuropsychological evaluation and gave a feedback session and written report to my client.
So, Mr. Gudday decided not to pay the remainder of what he owed me. Repeated letters explaining the unexpected medical emergency that made me unable to meet with him fell on deaf ears.
No doubt he was wearing the "proper" clothes on Shabbat, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. But clothes don't make a trustworthy man.
Call me crazy.
Case #3: Again, what type of religious do I practice? What does my husband wear on Shabbat? You'd think that something else is important! At any rate not withstanding that I was of the "female persuasion" and did not answer the Shabbat outfit question, the parents agreed to consult with me about their teenage son. Here I will shorten a very long conversation that went round and round before the facts emerged. Their son was in trouble with the police. At 16 years of age he was not a really a child in the eyes of the law and though he was not considered an adult, his crime was indeed adult-like. He was arrested with some other boys who had more than a users amount of drugs on them, making them suspected drug dealers. He was the youngest, though not the only religious one. The State's social service department was giving him a little leeway and placing him in a teen rehabilitation center prior to sentencing.
I asked my standard question: How do you think I can help you?
"Anything you can do, we'll pay anything just help us and him out," was the answer I received.
"Well this isn't in my bailiwick usually, " I said, "so let me speak to social service and see if they think I can be of assistance."
To make a long story shorter, I did help the social service department see that the parents would be willing to do what ever they could to help rehabilitate their son.
About three months later, I called to find out how things were going. "Oh, he's out of rehab and looking for a job. The job was a condition of his early release."
I suggested that he work on an Orthodox kibbutz where I knew they were in dire need of help and might even be able to pay him, besides giving him room and board.
"You don't understand," I was told, "you are not as religious as we are. Working on even an Orthodox kibbutz would be definitely not allowed by our Rabbis."
In this case the kibbutz I had in mind was Kibbutz Chofetz Chaim which was established on 25 April 1944. The founders were religious pioneers from Germany, members of the Ezra youth movement and members of Agudat Israel who had been living near Kfar Sava. It was the first village founded by Agudat Israel and was named after HaRav Yisrael Meir Kagan, who was also known as the Chafetz Chaim. Not only that but in 1955, there was only one hectare of hydroponics in the entire world, the project started in Israel, at Kibbutz Chafetz Chaim, as a way of producing fruits and vegetables in water during the shmita.
Call me crazy, but maybe a little research into the who and what of the this ultra-Orthodox kibbutz, which I might add houses a world renown yeshiva gedolah and kollel, might have preceded a "you are not as religious as we are" comment.
Dr. Judith Guedalia is the Director, Neuropsychology Unit; Chief Psychologist, Shaare Zedek Medical Center; Licensed Psychologist; Supervisor and Specialist in Medical, Rehabilitation, and Developmental Psychology; Co-Chair Nefesh Israel; EMDR Level II. She can be reached through her website: www.drjudithguedalia.com
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