| Me, We, and Them - States and Traits in our family: An Experiential Workshop |
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In Israel we are not accustomed to a three day Chag. We don't have a Yom Tov Shel Goliut-the extra day tagged on to the Shalosh Regalim--Sukot, Pessach and Shavuot. In fact pre-Rosh Hashana, which is two days for us all, we get a siege-like mentality worsened by the fact that we can't get fresh bread and dairy products each day! So as Shavuot approaches and the days are at their longest, I wanted to share an ‘experiential' workshop to be used as family activity. _option_option_optionA few months ago my husband and I were invited to be ‘scholars'-in-residence for a weekend sponsored by Maimonides, the Los Angeles day school (formerly The Sephardic Hebrew Academy). The topics of the weekend were designed to commemorate 800 years since the Rambam's death. Thinking about what to present from my perspective, as a neuropsychologist, I thought about the Rambam's thirteen principles (Yud Gimmel Ekarim--found in commentary to the Mishna, (the last chapter in Rambam's commentary of the Mishna in Sanhederin). How do we learn or internalize principles? How do we acquire ‘principles'? And more importantly how can we transmit them to our children. The neuro/psychological concepts of Traits and States came to mind. Trait concepts permit people to predict the present from the past--how often have we described a people by a stereotype--people from this country are known as stingy/intellectual/spiritual/emotionally labile. More directly we may ‘classify' a family based on previous experience with them as a family of sensitive people; people with ‘short fuses', easily angered. State concepts, on the other hand, identify those behaviors that can be controlled by manipulating the situation -- for example shivering when cold. More subtly, Trauma is an experience which can transform a child's world into a terror-filled, confusing ‘state'; research has shown dramatically alters the child's ability to cope with life's experience until one-hundred and twenty. These two complementary schemas are part of the extensive theory of psychological causality that is implicit in language. Traits that we are ‘born with' may change depending on the ‘states' we are in. Trauma is a case in point. Children who are exposed to fear and traumatic experiences take on different behaviors in life-traits, based upon the physiological states in which their brains have been developed. Positive experience ‘states', too, clearly have their impact on our brains, laughter changes the chemicals in which out brain exists --for it is the human brain that develops, processes and internalizes all traumatic and therapeutic experiences. It is the brain mediates all emotional, cognitive, behavioral, social and physiological functioning. What ‘traits' do you, as an individual and as a couple, think you have and have evolved based on your experiences, which have you passed on to your children. What ‘states' in the home and school environment will physiologically change the ‘traits' your children pass on to their children? I devised an experiential workshop for that Shabbaton that I am presenting here (we will be experimenting) for you to try with your children now that the school year is ending. The first step is understanding your (and your spouse's) own States and Traits. The way you might go about this is by taking a list of states and traits. Below is an example(by no way exhaustive, in future you can use any words you wish. Take this list; make a copy or two (or three). Trusting Fair Has convictions Courageous Truthful Moral Loyal Accountable Responsible Committed Diligent Honest Prudent Thrifty Simple Orderly Detail-oriented Punctual Balanced Trusting Polished Clean Well-dressed Gracious Appropriate Passionate Consistent Resilient Respectful Concerned Tolerant Sharing Kind Patient Generous Hospitable Vision Mastery Productive Accomplishing Causal/Initiating Investing Effective Practical Confident Content Integrated Self-motivated Compassionate Mature Capable Accepting Intuitive Aware Willing Adventurous Spiritual Visual Present-oriented Future-oriented Creative Flexible Proactive Adaptive Innovative Direct Resourceful Loving Clever Incisive Tolerant Firm Loving Understanding Curious Quick Generous Diplomatic Wise Articulate Clear Encouraging Appreciative Constructive Expressive Friendly Analytical
How to do it at home with the kids? Can this be done on Shabbat or Yom Tov? Before Shabbat, I printed out the whole list, cut each word, and put the words in separate envelopes for each person. I also made a larger sized list and cut out one of those. I took a poster and placed Velcro ‘dots' on it and the second half, on the backs of on the larger words. Then asking the people to chose their smaller list, and finally agree to one sequence of priorities. When we came to choosing the final list, we put up the words on the board with the Velcro. This worked out for a Enjoy the activity of communication, negotiation and compromise. Chag Sameach and Hatzlacha. |
