| Dumb Things That People Say |
|
By Dr. Judith Guedalia and Chaim K. Words are very powerful indeed. So much so that mute -- unable to speak (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary) is in the vernacular, ‘Dumb'. In Judaism we may hear terms such as Lashon HaRah and Nivul Peh used to describe certain words in a context. A few years ago with the expert help of Nefesh Israel's ‘CEO' Elana Walhaus, I began the Nefesh Israel ListServ. It has since expanded to be both Nefesh International and Nefesh Israel and as such reaches around the world. Many topics are raised on this Internet ‘conversation' forum between frum (Observant) professionals in the field of mental health. Recently, a ‘discussion' related to the topics of Lashon HaRah and Nivul Peh. Rabbi Dr. Ephraim Becker noted: that "the 'official' definition of Nivul Peh is any usage which could have been said in a more refined manner (e.g. referring to that which could readily be called Lo Tahor as Tameh). Anything less than the most refined way of speaking, can be defined as Davar Meguneh, and not directly as Nivul Peh. You'll excuse the pun, but four-letter-words go without saying. The test is Nivul is much more far-reaching than the use of popularly acknowledged foul language. As such, the degree of violation would seem to be relative to the language skills of the speaker."
These concepts are specific ways of ‘bringing home' the idea that speech needs to be controlled. But how many of us are aware that we may be hurting another with our ‘compliments' or just day-to-day language. Chaim is sitting here in my office in a wheelchair. We are talking about stupid things people say, especially to him. He is kinder than I am; he says they don't mean to hurt by saying the things they do, "but I still get hurt". It's hard for Chaim to specifically recall instances, but he has a number of songs he knows that he wouldn't sing to people in specific situations. Koom Ve Neithalech Baaretz (Rise and let's walk around the country) is one such song and isn't for people who can't walk. Chaim believes that no one would intentionally hurt another person, especially one who they see as handicapped in some way, but often when we speak we don't always pay attention to the meaning of what we are saying. A person in a wheelchair is supersensitive to the expression: ‘Rise and Shine". Ruth is blind. She tells me that people tend to shout at her when they notice her white walking stick. "They figure I'm blind, and that means I'm ‘handicapped'; they feel that they have to make some type of ‘adjustment; then they raise their voice to tell me that the traffic light is green!" Once, someone called out to me and said: "Ruth do you know you're outside"; "No", I felt like saying, "I thought I was in the bathtub!!" Dumber yet, she notes, are those who say: "See-you-later" and then uncomfortably say: "Oops, I'm so sorry". Don't they think I know I'm blind!? There are sensitivities and sensibilities that are not always obvious. A mother who has dark hair, but whose children are blond (as is her husband) once painfully related that in the supermarket someone approached her and said: "You are really good with those children, how much do you charge?" A red haired child told me that she was often asked: "Are you adopted?", because none of her other siblings (nor parents) were ‘Gingey'. A compliment to a mother of a couple of children such as: "Each is prettier than the last", can cut through the heart of the ‘eldest' of the family. A child, whose father was killed in a Pigua, once told me that many people have asked him: "How do you feel?" "What was I supposed to say to that!!?" he weepingly asked. When I made a (weak) attempt at humor, and mentioned to Chaim, that in the Mishna discussing the High Priest's preparations for Yom Kippur, his wife is referred to as ‘Beito', his house. Wasn't his wife insulted when her being over-weight was so blatantly noted? "No", said Chaim, "Rav Yehuda HaNasi didn't mean to insult her, but rather to make a point. Without a woman the Kohen Hagodol's house was just walls. And even though he worked in the most glorious of places, his home would be just walls without his wife." I am quiet, and sit in awe of Chaim, again reminded how the kindness and benevolence of those we ‘help' puts us all to shame.
Originally published in the Jewish Press on December 28, 2005. |
