| On Weddings And Children... |
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We were at a wedding, which in retrospect was a significant venue, when a woman, whom I didn't know, asked me if I would "talk" with her husband. I thought about what a friend, who is a physician, says when people ask him medical questions at weddings, bar mitzvah celebrations or the like. He says: "No problem, but as I take your questions seriously, please disrobe so I can be thorough, or I can give you an appointment at my office tomorrow." He rarely (I should say never) has had a "patient" disrobe for an examination at a wedding. As a psychologist, however, I obviously could not use this strategy. So I said: "Sure." She brought her husband over and stood discreetly in the background. "I can't handle it; how could he do this to me and to my mother, z"l (of blessed memory). Sure he was widowed two years ago, but what is an 85-year-old man doing, getting remarried?" "Was your father living with you since your Mom died?" I asked. "No, he was living in a senior citizen hotel in another country." What was this all about, I wondered. It seemed as if it was all about the son and nothing about the father. What I then said to him was that he seemed to be suffering a lot, at a great distance from his dad. He said he was protecting his mother's good name. I noted that this was a serious problem, because not only was he in pain, but his obvious difficulty was also affecting his wife and possibly his children, as well, not to mention his dad. I thought that therapy would be helpful and said that I could give him a referral to someone else or set up an appointment with me for two days hence. Preparing for the appointment, I checked into two different areas of research. I sought out secular professional articles, and as we have our own wealth of resources, I also perused Torah and rabbinic literature. According to the 1990 U.S. Census, 10 percent of the women and 2.5 percent of men had lost a spouse (unfortunately this specific information was not collected for the 2000 Census). About 300,000 remarriages in the United States each year involve previously widowed brides or grooms. Some questions may be left unasked (out loud) by widows/widowers: "How long is it proper to wait before dating or considering remarriage?" Little research has been conducted on remarriage after the death of a spouse as opposed to divorce. Existing research, however, suggests that only about 25 percent of widowed men and 5 percent of widowed women remarry, and they take one-to-two years longer to remarry than do divorced individuals. One reason that widowed individuals have lower rates of remarriage, is that they are usually much older than divorced individuals. Given that fact, we find that there are fewer people their age bracket to remarry, and there is less incentive to do so. According to U.S. Census figures, widowers generally remarry within three years of a wife's death, and widows within five years of a husband's death. Generally, people who have been caregivers for terminally ill spouses have grieved long before the actual death. This process may shorten the period before they consider remarriage. Also, older people may believe that they have less time left and may desire to marry again, more quickly. According to Halachah (Jewish Law) a widower may remarry after the shloshim (30-day period of mourning). A widow may have to wait three months, in case she is pregnant and, as such, to validate the paternity of the child; a nursing mother/widow should ask her rabbi (unfortunately, in Israel we have quite a lot of young widows and Rabbinic response may vary depending on each case). If I fall in love again, does that mean I wasn't in love with my deceased spouse? After the numbness of loss has passed, many widows and widowers think they'll never be able to love the same way again. The reality is that people who've had good marriages are often eager to resume married life. Sharing their life with another is important to them. Many previous widows and widowers have dealt with those concerns by viewing their new marriage as a tribute to the first. Am I marrying for the right reasons? People marry for many reasons. For widows or widowers, these reasons can be complex. It's common for widowed spouses to consider marriage because they feel: Overwhelmed - New responsibilities placed on widows or widowers can be daunting. Those who face sole responsibility for parenthood may suddenly realize they're doing the work of two. These feelings can propel some to rush into marriage to relieve their stressful situations. Lonely - It's difficult to adjust to being alone. People who were happily married suffer a great deal. They lost a partner, friend and confidant. Remarriage can relieve these problems, and in some cases, ease the grief. Although these feelings are common, they're not good reasons to remarry. Secular statistics report that 60 percent of all remarriages fail. Children of Widows or Widowers Children of widows or widowers, of any age, have their own concerns regarding their parents' new marriage. They often have idealistic impressions of their parent's marriage and find it difficult to understand how their widowed parent can move on to a new marriage. Even though they may spend a lifetime grieving for a lost parent, children also need to remember that as much as they try to comfort their surviving parent, a child isn't a replacement for a loving spouse. In addition, young children may be afraid of what the new family will mean to them. Do they have to give up memories of their deceased parent? Will they have to call the new stepparent "Dad" or "Mom?" Young children also may fear that there may not be a place for them in their new family. In some secular and non-Jewish weddings, the stepchildren are included and given a medal, to symbolize that the stepparent is also making a commitment to them, not just to their parent. This helps the children adjust to their new family and feel that they're an important part of their new family's life. (Roger Coleman, chaplain at Pilgrim Chapel in Kansas City, Missouri). There is a "strong" minhag (custom) that children are not present at the chuppah (literally "marriage canopy" but colloquially: marriage ceremony) of their parent. Health Issues: Studies have shown that only 10 percent of elderly men live alone, as compared with 32 per cent of older women. Nonetheless, the survival curves demonstrate that up to the age of 80 years, women living alone experienced lower mortality than those living with partners. In an Italian study, the results suggest that being married provides a protective role against mortality in later life only for men. It is possible that elderly women, who take care of a husband or relatives, do not care for themselves (or their health), as do older women who live alone. I didn't find any research about remarriage of widows or widowers in Jewish societies, though I recalled a story, which sounded a bit familiar, regarding a widowed father remarrying. The Bible tells us (Gen. 25:1-2 - Parshat Chayei Sarah) that after Sarah's death: "Abraham took another wife, whose name was Ketura. She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shua". Who was Ketura? Rabbi Judah says in the Midrash (Beraishit Rabbah 61:4): "She is Hagar." This is the opinion of the Zohar (133b) and of Targum Yonatan, as well. As we saw above, Rashi agrees with them. Who arranged Abraham's match? This is barely touched on in the text (unlike the detailed description of Isaac's shadchan -marriage broker - Eliezer). But the Aggadah tells us that it was his son Isaac who brought Abraham and Ketura together, as Rashi says in his comment on the sentence: "Isaac had just come back from the vicinity of Be'er-lachai-ro'ie" (24:61) − "to where he went to bring Hagar to Abraham his father that he might wed her" [the well of Lachai-ro'ie is the spot to which Hagar wandered after being cast out by Abraham (and Sarah), see Gen. 16:14. Now I know that this is not a full account of all the Midrashic, Halachic and Torah commentaries, but I hoped to use them in the therapy "hour" to present Biblical scenarios and open conversations, in light of the issues that seemed so contemporary, but indeed were centuries old. As usual the Torah has it all. Hopefully the son in question will be able to learn an important lesson from Abraham's son, Isaac. Bibliography (Internet search) Gen. 25, 1-2 - Parshat Chayei Sarah Beraishit Rabbah 61, 4 Getting Married After a Spouse Dies, August 19, 2002 by Trudy Weathersby. Kevin McQuillan, Professor of Sociology, University of Western Ontario The Journal of Interdisciplinary History; Spring 2003, Vol. 33, No. 4, Pages 547-567, posted Barbara Foley Wilson & Sally Cunningham Clarke (1992) "Remarriages: A demographic profile", Journal of Family Issues, 13, 123-141 Pizzitti, P; et al; Department of Genetics, Anthropology and Evolution, University of Parma, Italy International Journal of Epidemiology 2001; 30:1090-1099, International Epidemiological Association 2001 Lectures on the weekly Torah reading by the faculty of Bar-Ilan University
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Originally published in the Jewish Press on December 27, 2006. |
