| I B, Ther4 I M - But Wht 'bout Me 2?!@?! |
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He* (*"He" and "She" here are a conglomeration of quite a number of similar yet different cases) called and said he was having terrible headaches; the headaches felt as though there were stones in and on top of his head. I asked if he'd already been to a physician to rule out medical/neurological diagnosis. He said, ". . . the neurologist was the doc who referred me to you." "Okay," I responded as my son would say, "let's meet once-in-a-row." _option_option
I generally find that people feel that "a" meeting with a psychologist necessarily is "many" if not "endless" appointments. This doesn't fit my Weltanschauung - worldview, what if the "chemistry" is all wrong on both sides of the table? What if this is an issue I know nothing about - dentistry or ophthalmology for example, or don't feel I have enough experience to do a reasonable, "Good-Enough" (see Donald Winnocott) (neuro) psychologist. So He comes at the appointed time. He says: "I brought Her too, but I'd like to start with you first." "Her"* turns out to be his wife. Well, she could have been his mom, grandmother or friend (among other possibilities). Okay, let's chat. After about half-an-hour, He takes a breath. I say something like this: "Correct me if I am wrong. If I understood you correctly . . . may I call you Rip or Honi?" (Referring, of course, to Rip van Winkle, or in our culture, Honi-Hamaagel, both of whom, according to the stories related to them, are reported to have slept for over 70 years.) "At any rate, sometime about two/three/four months and/or years ago you went into a 'deep sleep' and just woke up recently with a mammoth headache. You looked around your bedroom and it didn't look like 'your' bedroom at all. No carpets, No familiar furniture and lots of 'stuff' that you don't remember buying. Maybe even a baby crib or two. Where were you, how did you get here and more importantly . . ." He interrupts: "The nightmare I woke up into is worse than the one I had sleeping. "Wow," He says, "My headache seems to be lightening. It feels like some of the stones are coming off." "Do you recall with whom you came to this office?' I ask gingerly, afraid of any answer besides "Yes." Mercifully, He answers in the affirmative. He brings Her in. It is Her turn to speak. She looks at him with a mixture of frustration, pity and anger. Her time here in Israel (this sounds like a jail sentence, I say to myself) was first spent going to shiurim, calling on the phone and meeting new and old friends. Then it was spent going to doctors, pre-pregnancy and if they were fortunate, after she was pregnant. They also went back and forth to "home" (fill in a country name anywhere in the globe other than Israel). She will have/or did have a baby. Now there are few, if any, shiurim. Much less time spent (or any sort of time spent) with the "Learning/Not Learning Him," and a lot of time spent doing laundry. For the most part, aside from the "pain" of childbirth (they must have skipped that part of Bereisheet at seminary/high school), that is the single biggest secret her mother/kallah teacher forgot to tell her. Basically, she has one enormous child - Him, and one/a few smaller one(s), all of them crying for her attention. She too, is wondering why - if she did everything right, including having the best engagement story/picture on www.onlysimchas.com - is she not having the "happily ever-after" life, promised to those who do "everything right"?!!! But, She is in no way complaining, only wondering. I notice that they both speak at me and at each other. We agree to meet another time this week, as we are clearly not done with "intake" (though I can see where this is going). As I don't see many couples in my work, I have only heard a variant of this story from someone with physical/neuropsychological symptoms. I have, though, consulted with colleagues at both recent Nefesh Conferences (Nefesh - the organization for networking of Orthodox mental health professionals, had its Annual International Conference in the USA in December and we here in Israel had our Annual Israel Conference - with international attendance too - only last week). The resounding answer to my "perplexing" queries was, yes, they too, have seen many "Him*s" and "Her*s." What is happening? Any answer is too facile. It is a very complex, sociological/religious/ pragmatic/psychological/educational issue. What answer could cover all this ground? What test could render a diagnosis? What experimental paradigm has been used to statistically prove this is a) a phenomenon, b) a problem, c) even exists? So, let's go with the hypothesis that this situation is just a figment of my imagination. Let's say it has been true of all previous generations. For who gets married "older and wiser"? The majority does not. I mean, if we all did wait for that sort of "age and wisdom," the world would be inhabited by many fewer people, not just for the reason that fertility is directly related to timing, but also we would all be paralyzed into inaction because we "pondered too much." What can we do now? How is it that now, this seems to have created (to me, don't forget, this is a figment of my imagination) plague-like invalids. Why now, why here? This is too "easy" a response I know, but here is what I recommend to Him and Her. "Do you want to stay married to each other?" They bashfully look at me and at one another; clearly this is a topic that has come up before. "Yes," they answer, "we do." (I smile at the first-time use of the word "we.") "I'm not sure, but I may be able to help you. You will have to see me a few times a month and other professionals including rabbis and rebbetzins, all of whom have more experience than I do working with couples." A few seconds go by, "Okay," He/Him and She/Her answer, after nodding to one another - I have come to understand this as: "His mom will pay/your dad will pay/my dad/mom will pay"; anyway, something in this bailiwick. "Now for setting up your 'contract' with me; I won't work with you unless you agree to the following immediately: "1) Get rid of your iPod." Horror on their faces, "What about shiurim?" they ask in unison. I note that this is the first time they agree on something! "2) Get rid of the iPod with podcasts." They look amazed at how "in" I am. "3) Get rid of 'text messaging' on your cell phones." Now they are both screaming at me. "What if there is an emergency?!" "Call each other on the phone, the cell or landline phone. No, and I mean no text messaging to each other or to anyone!!" "4) Close down your separate e-mail accounts - you can write an 'away' message of 'Gone Fishing' for all I care, but close them down." "5) Open a combined e-mail account; you can call it by your former last names hyphenated, or any "fish" or animal that is kosher." (This saves Barracuda, Shark etc. for nameless other individuals.) They are staring numbly at me. "6) Internet browsing is for a specific hour and a half of the day, in which both of you are present together, and sharing the time." Now they are more "alive" but silent, there is a "life-line" out. Oh, I add: "7) No U-Tube or Facebook." They look like they are sitting shiva for a loved one (or loved-many). "8) Visits to onlysimchas.com are only during the proscribed 1½ hours of together, browsing time. " "See you in two days." They silently gather their stuff and leave. Later, my secretary says she is a bit embarrassed but would like to tell me something: "Please, please, please, don't be insulted, but do you realize that, more people than you could ever imagine, leave your office smiling and saying, 'She is really the one who is crazy'?" "Another success," I smile to myself. If we are lucky, they will not become a statistic of early divorce for they-have-no-idea-why because they-are-from-a-good-family and they-really-liked-one another and seemed to be so-in-love and enjoyed-being-together.
Originally published in the Jewish Press on January 30, 2008. |
