| Listening With The Third Ear |
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"Hello is this Dr. Guedalia?" When I answered in the affirmative the woman on the other end of the phone began to cry. I just held on to the phone. "Are you still there?" she gasped, "yes, I'd sing Muzak (elevator music) if I knew how, but as things stand now you would cry harder." That elicited a little auditory smile. "In what way do you think I can help you", I asked. "I don't really want to say, but the good cry I had with someone on the other end was enough. Thank you so much for being there," she said and hung up. _option_option_option_option_option
The Conflict Research Consortium, of University of Colorado, USA** describes Active listening as: "a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. Often when people talk to each other, they don't listen attentively. They are often distracted, half listening, half thinking about something else. When people are engaged in a conflict, they are often busy formulating a response to what is being said. They assume that they have heard what their opponent is saying many times before, so rather than paying attention; they focus on how they can respond to win the argument. "Active listening is a structured form of listening and responding that focuses the attention on the speaker. The listener must take care to attend to the speaker fully, and then repeats, in the listener's own words, what he or she thinks the speaker has said. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker - he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more. "Active listening has several benefits. First, it forces people to listen attentively to others. Second, it avoids misunderstandings, as people have to confirm that they do really understand what another person has said. Third, it tends to open people up, to get them to say more." When years ago a doctor (I won't use her name as I didn't 't reach her to ask her permission, but she is well known in her community) noticed bruises on women too scared to cry or complain, she began what was then an uphill-battle of giving a voice to those who had none. Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. went on to write a book about spousal abuse in the frum community (The Shame Borne in Silence: Spousal Abuse In The Jewish Community, 1996, Mirkov Publications, Inc Pittsburgh, PENN) which was subsequently banned as being too provocative and a source of Hilul Hashem! Some people felt that if you don't mention it, it won't proliferate; just the opposite has been proven true. By allowing the abused a voice and an ear, the frum world is taking its rightful place as the moral compass of our society. Between those two "pioneers" and many other courageous souls like them who understood spousal abuse for the damage that it does, be it physical, verbal or emotional, this horrific crime - which can even exist in the frum community - has been brought to public attention. Now Beth Israel Medical Center, New York City, has received a grant to reach out to various culturally unique communities to help identify and treat those who are suffering in silence. Yes, there are many "help-lines," open phone lines for people to talk anonymously about many topics, some specifically targeting: children, teens; depression; alcoholism and much more. Research done into the numbers of calls and the topics raised (not of course anyone's name or specifics) has shown that the specificity of the "help-line" assists those calling, even before they begin speaking with a "real-live-person." It seems that just knowing that the person answering knows why one is calling, relieves some of the anxiety; it is as if, at least, they are spared that bit of the conversation and can begin the healing an intervention immediately. For this reason the SOVRI Help-Line has come into existence. SOVRI stands for Support for Orthodox Victims of Rape and Incest. This includes any form of abuse and molestation. It is going to be by volunteers who will undergo intensive training by professionals in the field will be fielding the phone calls. The training will encompass over 26 hours of theory and practical information in both a workshop and role-playing format. They are looking for YOU to volunteer; YOU who are suffused with chesed, comfortable on the telephone, young, middle-age or golden-aged. The ability to speak another language, i.e. Yiddish, Russian or Farsi, for example, is helpful, but not a criteria for acceptance.
The success of this project doesn't just require putting one foot in front of the other, but rather to paraphrase Theodore Reik: to be effective you have "to learn how one mind speaks to another beyond words" - or using the Third Ear, Hazlacha! * Theodore Reik's Listening with the Third Ear (1948) takes this phrase from Nietzche, Beyond Good and Evil, Part VIII, p. 246.
Originally published in the Jewish Press on May 28, 2008. |
