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By Dr. Judith Guedalia and Chaim K. © 2008 The unsaid words in Chaim's 'bubble' are still hanging about the room; it is heavy with hope, expectations tinged with deep, deep sadness, fear against fear of unrequited love; rejection; loneliness. After years together with Chaim K., I note a pattern, national angst, as we are so close to Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah and Shemini Atzeret, when the Book-of-Life is updated, as it were, for the New Year. These Am Yisrael days of Awe act as debriders (Debride: To remove dead, contaminated or adherent tissue) and 'peel' the faint veneer of bravado that covers Chaim's generally - and awesomely surprising - optimistic spirit.
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He continues:
"I see your look and I hear myself sounding so judgmental and 'un-empathetic,' maybe even 'unkind' but there is something called 'Singles' with a capital 'S.' I think someone who is waiting and waiting for the perfect person, the perfect opportunity, and doesn't marry in order to have children, is selfish. It is a waste. From my point of view they are lazy; they're upset that they'll have to wake up at night (with crying babies); divide their salary "
"Wait a minute!" I say. "I think you are being a bit insensitive to people who have tried. They go to Shadchanim and have gone out on first and even second dates many, many, many times; they have also been disappointed again and again with those 'recommended' to them; they live in such constant pain of rejection, and more than that 'not fitting in.' Wherever they go, the 'communities' they are in are 'couple and/or family' focused. Every place they go, every wedding, Bar Mitzvah, Brit, Zeved Bat and EVERY Shabbat, is a dagger in their hearts, where so much blood has dripped out that it seems dry to the onlooker. This 'dry, tearless, cry' is more painful and more constant than most of the 'civilians' who mete out their 'opinions' or, should I say 'judgments,' can even imagine.
"Another oft avoided result of 'do-gooders' is the recipient of others' advice or ideas for a Shidduch, may be the feeling that the 'choice' presented them was hardly appropriate. Going through this process often makes 'volunteering' to go out, to put ones whole self, ones very being, making one's right-to-life a virtual foray into a Makom Sakana - a place of horrible danger, which the rabbis tell us to avoid. "Also, do you realize that singles are 'singled' out - by marrieds and now, you too, for that matter, - as people who should be blamed for their single state? How dare you be so insensitive to blame the victim? Do you realize that people take time out of solving their own problems to 'analyze' singles (and all sorts of people they call 'others' for that matter), generally behind their backs, and 'figure out' what the psychological problems may be?! They always 'know the answer' too! They pasken on 'mother issues,' or 'father issues,' as they presume to explain singlehood and myriad other 'pathologies.'"
With an exaggerated theatrical pouted-lip, Chaim says: "Hey, you're making me out to be a bad person and cold hearted supercilious jerk."
Smiling, I say, "If the shoe fits Okay, you're not cold hearted." We both laugh at all the other 'qualities' I didn't bother denying. Okay, I'll come down a peg, but now that you mention it, let's just say I'm just presenting another vantage point. (An Ezer K'negdo, I say to myself!!)
"I am not, Has ve halila, blaming someone who has a physical or emotional problem. I am referring to people who are selfish. If I could move my finger, I am pointing it, at them. They don't want to get married because they are comfortable in their very single, easy life, without responsibilities," he retorts.
Hold-the-phone-right-there! I'm rethinking "cold-hearted." How do you feel when someone explains "you to you," tells you how you feel and what you "need" to be doing to solve your problems; how lazy you are because you aren't married, or whatever they get into their pathetic heads!
"Calm down, Dr. G, this can't be good for your blood pressure," he winks, "we're just having a discussion." He goes on:
"From people who are close to me, I take their criticism as constructive even if it hurts, and even if I don't agree. But I know that if after I get to Heaven and They ask me 'why you didn't do Puru U'revu and bring another generation to this world', I will say that I did everything in my power to try to achieve that very important Mitzvah."
I look at him askew.
"You have to believe me that by the time I get to Heaven I will have tried everything in my power to do this - to get married and have children. I want to re-emphasize that what may sound like criticism is not really so."
"Are you critiquing yourself?"
"Always!"
"What is on your 'To Do' list? You are 21, almost 22 and it says ben 18 l'chuppah?" I ask.
"Why did my parents get married and have 11 children. They slaved to feed us worried and still worry about us, our education our life and our getting married and raising families. Why did they do it?
"They did it in order to establish another generation of Ovdai Hashem, who will be mitzvah observing and will honor Shem Shamayim. And also there is nachat and simcha. When I see my nieces and nephews, my parents' grandchildren, it brings joy to them; the way I see it, there is no greater joy.
"It's obvious from my choice of a topic, that this is something I think a lot about. In my condition which is, let's say, medical, I think my chances are slight, but not impossible for achieving this type of mitzvah," and then in a whisper he adds, "this level of joy."
"What do you have to do to make it a bit more possible?" I inquire.
"Pray to Hashem to direct me in the right way, to help me and send me a wife.
I truly believe that this is a possibility. "I am trying to not live in my bubble, to get out of the "Chaim B'Seret, 'life in a movie,' and use the opportunities that are out there, just know that I will go anywhere for any Shidduch date with someone, who knowing my situation, would even consider going out with me."
And then, as he moves his wheelchair towards the door and adds: "My ad would say: SFYM in WC&R interested in SFYW for serious purposes only with marriage as main goal."
I add: "Bright, sensitive, and funny even though he often thinks too much and criticizes mostly himself."
"Shana Tova ve Mevurechet and Chativa ve Chatima Tova, LeHitraot," are his parting words. I whisper, "Kain y'he ratzono Shebashamayim." May it be His will! Originally published in the Jewish Press on October 8, 2008 Tags: Chaim K. | Jewish Press | Singlehood |
